Jeremy Clarkson Quotes

[Maxstyle]

I love Monday evenings. BBC America has re-runs of Top Gear.

Jeremy Clarkson

From Wikiquote


Jeremy Charles Robert Clarkson (born April 11, 1960 in Doncaster) is a controversial British motoring journalist and television presenter.

On places

There are signs directing you away from Birmingham but nothing enticing you in.

Oxford hates the car.

God may have created the world in six days, but while he was resting on the seventh, Beelzebub popped up and did this place. (Detroit)

Motoring in general

We all know that small cars are good for us. But so is cod liver oil. And jogging.

Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary... That's what gets you.

I've seen gangrenous wounds better looking than this. ( Clarkson on the Porsche Cayenne)

(Referring to the Porsche Cayenne) 0-60 takes 5 and a half seconds...and about 17 gallons of fuel....

Now we've been told in this new series, we've got to feature more green cars. So here's one. It's really the greenest car we could find, really. (A bright green Lamborghini Murcielago)

Now we get quite a few complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the show, so we're kicking off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all. (a Ferrari F430)

(At start of Top Gear Nov. 2005 season, after a teaser featuring dozens of supercars)....and welcome to Greenpeace.

A turbo, exhaust gasses go into the turbocharger and spin it, witchcraft happens and you go faster.

This is the latest S Class. Now availiable with a very economical: Twin-turbo, Six litre... I dont mean economical do I? Thats the wrong word...

I do apologize, we have wasted your evening, there are no good Korean or Malaisian cars.

You know? Thats the nineteenth caravan we've destroyed on this progamme in 12 months.

If i had to nitpick, and obviously i do.

At this point the Germans are propably rolling around on the floor laughing, So: "Ze tommies have made ein car out of spit und kleenex, zhey will be crushed." (Testing the MG SV prototype)

Owning a TVR in the past was like owning a bear, i mean it was great, until it pulled your head off, which it would. One day, it would pull your head off.

In the olden days i always got the impression that TVR built a car, put it on sale, and then found out how it handled. Usually when one of their customers wrote to the factory complaining about how dead he was.

Praise for cars

I'd like to consider Ferrari as a scaled down version of God.

The Ferrari 355 is like a quail's egg dipped in celery salt and served in Julia Roberts' belly button.

(On the Alfa Romeo Brera) Think of it as Angelina Jolie. You've heard she's mad and eats nothing but wallpaper paste. But you would, wouldn't you?

The Caterham may only have 250 hp, but you have to remember that it weighs about the same.....as a j-cloth.

We start tonight with the highlight of my childhood. It's the Ladybird Book of Motorcars from 1963, and as you would imagine it's full of rubbish really. Just endless boring grey shapes, until you get to page 40, where you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me, when I was little, was like kind of Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In a bath together. With a Lightning jet fighter. And lots of jelly.

If this car was a breakfast. It would be cornflakes on toast.

(On the Mercedes CLS55 AMG)It sounds like Barry White eating wasps.

Aston Martin DB9, thats not really a racing car, that's pornography.
(Ariel Atom) This is driving Nirvana! You can forget anything you've ever driven, anything. There is no car, nothing on four wheels, that is as fast as this.

The most Hard core BMW ever made. (M3 CSL)

Damnation for cars

Telling people at a dinner party you drive a Nissan Almera is like telling them you've got the ebola virus and you're about to sneeze.

The old DB-7, that was just...a Jag in Drag...it was an XJ-S in a party frock.
This (the Aston-Martin DB-9) is completely different...

I'd rather go to work on my hands and knees than drive there in a Ford Galaxy; Whoever designed the Ford Galaxy upholstery had a cauliflower fixation; I would rather have a vasectomy than buy a Ford Galaxy.

You do not just avoid the Suzuki Wagon R. You avoid it like you would avoid unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite.

(about the Ford GT40) Was this the greatest hypercar of them all? Well, that's a question I've never really been able to answer, because the GT40 is 40 inches tall... and I'm not.

Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It's like making a hard core adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You'd just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke's sweaty face.

(On cars at a 'Max Power' show) Most of these cars will do 0-60 once....and then they'll blow up.

What did the Morris Marina compete against?... walking?... the bus?

Whenever I'm suffering from Insomnia, I just look at a picture of a Toyota Camry and I'm straight off.

Usually, a Range Rover would be beaten away from the lights by a diesel powered wheelbarrow.

(about the Renault Clio V6) I think the problem is that its, French... Its a surrendermonkey.

It costs Volkswagen 200 pounds to buy a set of four fuel injectors for the Golf diesel. KIA could propably make a couple of cars for that.

[Phlip]

Moved to off-topic

[jfc3po]

fuckin hilarious.....i love it....top gears the shit

[DreamN]

I <3 Top Gear

[emersonLP]

Great quotes lol, thats my favorite TV show by far.

[DreamN]

Just curious, anyone know when the next season starts?

[Maxstyle]

I'm not sure about the new season here in the US. It is on in England. I read on autoblog(s).com that Adam Corrola is to be the new US version Host. That would really suck. Let the boy cott begin.

[status:one]

BBC America is playing the new season.
lol... an older episode I watched today from when Hammond has to drive his $1000 white pickup truck with "Man Love Rules ok" written in pink on the side through the state of Alabama. brilliant.

[HyperTek]

Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary... That's what gets you.

i like this one

[kdashy]

These quotes are great, but theyre 200% better when you hear him say it (and see what hes talking about).

[B18C5MK1]

Originally Posted by Maxstyle

I'm not sure about the new season here in the US. It is on in England. I read on autoblog(s).com that Adam Corrola is to be the new US version Host. That would really suck. Let the boy cott begin.

god damn it. i hope not. i hate that guy.

[Kn1ves]

Thought I'd add this

Some Say...
Each episode, one of the presenters gives a short quote about the Stig, invariably starting with "Some say", then two of the quotes below. He finishes by saying "All we know is, he's called The Stig."

He drinks a lot of petrol
He was born in space.
He never blinks.
He roams around the woods at night foraging for wolves.
He sleeps upside down like a bat.
His sweat can be used to clean precious metals.
His skin has the texture of dolphins.
If you tune your radio to 88.4 FM you can actually hear his thoughts.
He does not see like humans do, instead he sees numbers in green scrolling down (a reference to the The Matrix).
He is scared of bells.
He once punched a horse to the ground.
His politics are terrifying.
He lives in a tree.
He likes DragonBoarder.
He was raised by wolves.
He appears on high-value stamps in Sweden.
His favourite philosopher is Immanuel Kant.
He has no understanding of clouds.
His earwax tastes like Turkish Delight.
He is confused by stairs.
He naturally faces magnetic north.
He is illegal in 17 U.S. states.
His heart ticks like a watch.
All his legs are hydraulic.
He can "accumbularate".
He appears on Japanese banknotes.
There's an airport in Russia named after him.
He is wanted by the CIA.
His breath smells of magnesium.
He can catch fish with his tongue.
His tears are adhesive.
If set alight, he'd burn for a thousand days.
He is terrified of ducks.
His voice can only be heard by cats.
He has two sets of knees.
He can swim seven lengths underwater.
He has webbed buttocks.
He can melt concrete on contact.
He is more machine than man. (a reference to Darth Vader).
His heart is in upside down.
His teeth glow in the dark.
His favorite food is raw meat.
He has no age.
He urinates 98 RON petrol (On The Top Gear Website Profiles)
He can smell corners (On The Top Gear Website Profiles)
He blinks this way. (Clarkson closing his thumb and forefinger on both held-up hands -- a reference to Men in Black)
He has acid for blood. (a reference to the Alien).
Jimmy Carter wants him dead.
He has a bionic arm.
He has a tattoo of Buzz Aldrin on his thigh.
He is stumped by clouds.
He has no fear.
His ears aren't exactly where you would expect them to be.
He once, "preposterously", had an affair with John Prescott (referring to Prescott's recent admission that he had had an affair with one of his secretaries).
He has a digital face.
If he felt like it, he could fire Alan Sugar. (a reference to the UK version of The Apprentice, featuring the aforementioned head honcho of Amstrad in the Donald Trump role)
He has named every single blade of grass surrounding the Top Gear test track.
His genitals are on upside down.
If he could be bothered, he could crack the Da Vinci code in 43 seconds.
His ears have a paisley lining.
He is banned from the Chelsea Flower Show.
The outline of his left nipple is exactly the same shape as the Nürburgring.

[DreamN]

^^^ bahahahahahahaha I love those.

[Maxstyle]

"Some Say.....______"

LOVE IT

[status:one]

haha love the quotes about the Stig. good find.

[sideways7]

Lets make this the Top Gear Quote Thread..


The hampster once said "Oversteer is best because you cant see the tree that kills you."

[Maxstyle]

If you have ON DEMAND, you can get the newer episodes now. It's great. Under BBC America.

New quote, "THE HILLS ARE ALIVE WITH THE SOUND OF HORSE POWER" on the Swiss trip with the 3 super cars

[98s14inaz]

A turbo, exhaust gasses go into the turbocharger and spin it, witchcraft happens and you go faster.

Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary... That's what gets you.

Now we've been told in this new series, we've got to feature more green cars. So here's one. It's really the greenest car we could find, really. (A bright green Lamborghini Murcielago)

That guy kills me. I love that show.